Ive been having a Dr Jerkyl and Ms. Hide experience the year thus far. Half jerk face drunk and half isolated anti social recluse sans booze. After a two month stint from drinking, I’ve awakened the Dr Jerkyl side and tested out these 7 hangover “cures” just for you guys. What I do for you guys in the name of research!
text x napua camarillo
illustrations x dan madsen
1. Pickle Juice
There have been theories as to what is more effective. Using the pickle juice as a back for that shot or to use the pickle juice as your watery substitute the morning after like a fuckin’ plan b pill in your most painful of regrets at 10am the next day, or 6 am-ers with real jobs. I feel weird admitting that this worked and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because the idea of me downing a green smelly substance in the name of alcohol made me feel like I should start hitting up AA meetings.The reason behind it is salt. Pickle juice has a good amount of salt in it which retains water, which most likely is why your hungover in the first place. Next mom always said vinegar is a cure all which is a primary ingredient pickle juice.
Dude, duh. But I’m talking about taking a preemptive strike against a hangover by including water with each drink that you have. I have one very well seasoned drinker that swears by it and it’s extremely effective. There’s no shame in ordering a water with your drink and I’ll never understand why people give their homies shit about it. Guys, news flash, it doesn’t make you less drunk! It just keeps you hydrated. And should you not heed this advice then try out this weird tip: chew on ice chips the next day. It slowly hydrates you, keeps your mouth occupado and your face numb in the non drug induced way. It also satisfies that oral fixation just in case you didn’t pull any tail the night before.
3. Weed. Okay. I’m not the best person to evaluate the effects of the green ganj mostly because it’s not my drug of choice but I will say this, it did help but more in aiding in my anxiety than anything else, then I didn’t do shit for the rest of the day. Semi fail on this one for me.
4. Hair of the Dog
This one is half truth, half bullshit. Really I just curbed the hangover until later when I stopped drinking. It made me feel right as rain at first but back to square one later. And it almost made me feel worse.
5. Alka Seltzer
This was recommended to me when I was asking bar patrons what their own personal cures were. This one seemed legit and it sure as shit is. Alka Seltzer has baking soda in it which my mother always told me is a cure all. Really what it’s doing is readjusting your stomach acid and keeping things neutral.
Some people swear by this. And after a night of drinking any sort of liquid to rehydrate your body is good. Pedialyte however meets medical guidelines for rehydration. I thought this was just some trick super alcoholics (that’s super hero alcoholics if you didn’t know) did to prevent hangovers but word is out and their website has photos of hungover adults sitting on the kitchen floor downing the juice. This is a perfect example of super alcholics knowing wassup cause it got me back on my feet in no time.
7. Surfing, barfing or showering. Pick one. If you can muster the strength to bust out into some salt water healing aint nothing better than that. It takes the temperature down and pretty much reminds you that the world, if it ends will leave you on the beach…not so bad. Barfing is sometimes what needs to get done to “exercise the demons” (you millenials probably won’t even get that reference). But once you do it makes you feel better. Better to barf then bloat. And showering. This is like a half way version of the former… If you can’t get to a beach or body of water “walk it off” so-to-speak with a downpour in the comforts of your own home. You’ll be right as rain soon enough.