Sorry for the delay! We hit a bit of a rough patch getting our transmission through the airspace over the Canary Islands. Or was it the Sandwich Islands? Do those still exist? I don’t think so. Sandwiches still do. Well, canaries exist, and the Canary Islands exist. So if sandwiches exist, ergo…no it doesn’t work like that. Well, in any case what the hell is a skater island? I think I stole it from a video game. That’s lame. Well, it may not be true! How can you not know if it is true when you invented it? Well, I could ask you the same thing since you, too, are me! What’s going on you two? Nobody knows! Well, what caused the delay in the Dispatch; any ideas? No, that’s exactly the point, no ideas. What do you mean no ideas, you’re writing aren’t you? Well, yes, this is writing. Writing is all ideas. But a lot of them suck! A lot of writing sucks. Yes, yes, that’s true, especially writing about skateboarding. You got that right. I think we can all agree on that. Does this suck? Probably. Probably. Probably. Probably. Wait, who in the hell said the last ‘probably’? I dunno. Me neither. An outsider. The NSA! Do they monitor blogs? They must. Wait, hold on, maybe he’s a friend. He? Good point, might be a she. Should we ask it, then? Sure. I guess. Go ahead. Ok, hey, you, from before, are you a friend? Probably. Probably? Probably. I don’t think he is our friend. Well ‘probably’ really puts it up in the air; I still think we should withhold our judgment. Let’s ask him more. Ok, then do it. Alright, hey ‘probably guy’–or girl–what are you doing here? Why are you interrupting our digressions? Because you suck. What? We suck? Since when are we referring to ourselves in plural? You tell me! Shut up, I think it has more to say. What do you mean we ‘suck’? I mean your attempt at writing something interesting about skateboarding sucks. The nerve! I bet it’s a youtube commentor. Oh yeah, could be. What would it be doing here? Well, a lot of videos get linked to this site from youtube. But not this week, not a lot. Right, this week it’s all writing based. THAT’S WHY I AM HERE. Woah, caps. Powerful stuff. Ok, go on, explain. Maybe it will be helpful if we stop writing as if we are multiple selves. Isn’t the ‘probably-caps-dude’ one of us too, like, probably? Makes sense. Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Is that Avril Lavigne? What? Speak English! Stop it! But we’re skater boys! Enough; everything is always complicated, but we can try to simplify. That would make it simpler. Ok, let’s simplify. Ok. So, where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to talk about how shitty most skate journalism is, and how I am a contributor to that steamy heap, and then to give a few pointers about where to turn in case you are actually interested in reading some good writing about skateboarding. Here are the main guys to know.
[Enter professorial looking gentleman with a Nietzschean mustache, pointing a long stick at the chalkboard; he speaks]
1) Dave Carnie. The Grand Curmudgeonly Wizard. After decades of zippidy-doodah and straight-laced reporting, skating got a breath of fresh beer when Steve Rocco started Big Brother magazine in 1992. Snarking at the editorial helm of that holy rag was Mr. Carnie. Still active today, he covers subjects from analyzing skate culture and critiquing social media to foodie talk to general skate related rants, bringing with him in each piece a sense of authoritative sage wisdom sourced from some shallow shallow place most of us will never truly fathom.
2) Chris Nieratko. The Functional Godfatherholic Troubador. Nieratko might be the busiest man in skateboarding journalism, as his archives attest. When he isn’t riding around with the Vans boys he is busy contributing to nearly every major skate publication, or continuing work with Dave Carnie, his old co-conspirator at Big Brother. I once watched him get wasted at a hotel bar in Phoenix just prior to flying, which apparently he can’t (won’t?) do sober anymore.
3) Mackenzie Eisenhour. The Levelheaded Hippy Philosopher Nerd. Probably the only true “professional” in the game. Multilingual, too. Always solid. Always deep. Too deep? Too professional? Not drunk enough? Maybe.
4) CHOPS. The Curatorial Archivist-in-Chief. Blogger at the head of The Chrome Ball Incident. Uncovering that blog’s gonna be like finding the terra cotta soldiers for skateboarding’s leading archaeologists 100 years from now.
READ UP. Next Week: shitty doodles!